The sun greeted me and I wasn’t dreading the day. I felt unsure. I felt awakened

I looked around for you, expecting to hear your voice. I expected you to call out to me
like a shadow in the dark

I expected another bruise to show up. I expected another excuse to rise up in my throat
like bile. Explaning to everyone else why I missed Sunday dinner, or why I couldn’t stay on
the phone for more than five minutes

My body hurts less today

My heart is still unsure if I’m out of the wild

My brain is confident that the last time won’t be the last time. I’ve trained it to think that way

But after last night…

I decided that the last time will be the last time

That I’m tired of feeling tired of living, but scared of dying

That I’m tired of adding to my white picket fence of lies

After last night

I’m tired of you treating my body like its some mosaic

With colors reappearing and disappearing on me

I’m tired of smelling like grief and fear and hiding

After last night

After days tearing into months and weeping into years

I decided that loving you

Was getting in the way of loving myself

 

 

 

 

 

Amanda Mabel is a fashion and portrait photographer living in Sydney, Australia. Originally from Singapore, she moved to Perth in 2011, then Sydney in 2012. She is currently studying a Bachelor of Arts (Advanced) (Honours) at the University of Sydney. In her free time, she loves taking photographs, travelling to beautiful places, and drinking tea. She also happens to blog for Vogue Australia Spy Style. She maintains a website at www.amandamabel.com and can be found on:  Instagram  Facebook  LinkedIn  Pinterest  Tumblr  Bloglovin Flickr.