Here I Am by Mafalda Nunes

The following was written for Germ's May Writing Challenge.

So here I am.

I guess this is it.

As I’m typing in my computer and my cousin is sitting behind me in the bed, I can’t help but to wonder, is this it? Is life this really big…old book? What happens to the next pages? What happens in the next pages? Can we write them? Can we write our own book of life or is that just planned out by something such as destiny?

Who would ever thought I would end up here…

It’s been like 8 months since you are gone and I can’t help but to wonder if it could have been any other way.

I guess this is really just life. Life is all about mistakes and trust me I do plenty of mistakes and most times I don’t even know why or how. I guess no one really knows, do they?

I feel this fire inside of me that is burning my stomach and then my lungs so soon enough I cannot breath, eat or sleep, because by now the fire is in my head and it’s eating my brain out.

Why does this reminds me so much about love? Is this love? Is life all about love? What about homeless people? How do they find love? And…do they ever?

What about us? What tore us apart? What didn’t? Where are the strengths that pulled us back and the weaknesses that kept us together?

Outside the sky meets my mood. It’s sunny but it’s cloudy. I’m happy and I’m sad.

I just finished reading a book and I could not ever be more full filled. I am me and I am a hole. A good hole. A hole that fills the empty space.

I am the name you carve on a tree. I am the girl no boyfriend loved. I am a universe of contraries and I am the sun and the sea. I am waves. I am storm. I cannot be controlled and I like myself this way. I feel powerful, unbeaten, feral, innocuous, I feel apricity.

I guess I’ve always needed love because I was never truly loved but now that I’ve come to think about it…why do I need it? I loved you and you lied to me. You said you loved me too, yet you left me alone and did not believe my words. And why was that for? What were we for? Nothing. Or maybe we were everything, everything that couldn’t last. Two perfect matches that burned themselves together.

There’s an empty space in my heart and it was supposed to be your place but now it’s everyone’s place. It’s a place every beautiful soul I meet will rest, where he/she/they will be loved.

You are welcome to stay.

This is my way of showing life.

I believe life is about love.

And so I’ll give it endlessly around the world.

For you.

For him.

For her.

For them.

For us.

And finally and most importantly, for me.

Life is what you make of it but it also happens I believe this is not life but death. When we are born the days start counting until the day you die. In my opinion if this was life we would never die, we would live forever and be immortal. But that doesn’t happen, we die. So this is death and when you “die” you actually start living, because then you will be immortal. I am enjoying my death, what about you?

My name is what belongs to me and my death and life are up to my living desires.

I am here.

And I am enough.

And I want a plethora of wanders to “die” with.

 


1st draft, 15-minute twaddle

Topic: Adventure

So here I am. I guess this is it. As I’m typing in my computer and my cousin is sitting behind me in the bed I can’t help but wonder is this it? Is life this really big old book? What happens to the next pages? Can’t we wrtie new ones? Who could ever thought I would end up here.

It’s been like 8 months since you are gone and I can’t help but wonder if it could have been any other way…

I guess this is really life. Life is all about mistakes and trust me I do plenty of mistakes and most times I don’t even know why or how. I guess no one really knows, do they?

I feel this fire inside of me that is burning my stumic and then my lungs so soon enough I cannot breath or eat or sleep, because by now the fire is in my head and it’s eating my brain out. Why does this reminds me so much about love? Is this love? Is life all about love? What about homeless people? How do they find love? Do they ever?

What about us? What tore us apart? What didn’t? Where are the strengths that pulled us back and the weakness that kept us together?

Outside the sky meets my mood. It’s sunny but it’s cloudy. I’m happy but I’m sad.

I just finished reading a book and I could not ever be more fullfilled. I am me and I am a hole. A good hole. A hole that fills the empty space.

I am the name you carve on a tree. I am the girl no boy loved. I am a universe of contraries and I am the sun and the sea. I am waves. I am storm. I cannot be controled and I like myself.

I guess I’ve always needed love because I was never truly loved but now thta I’ve come to think about it…why do I need it? I loved you and you lied to me. You said you loved me too yet you left me alone and did not believe my words. And why was that for? What were we for? Nothing.

There’s an empty space in my heart and it was suppoused to be your place but now it’s everyone’s place. It’s a place every beautiful soul I meet will rest, where he/she/they will be loved.

You are welcome to stay.

This is my way of showing life.

I believe life is about love.

And so I’ll give it endlessly around the world.

For you.

For him.

For her.

For them.

For us.

And finally and most importantly, for me, my one truest love.

Life is what you make of it, I believe this is not life but death and I am enjoying my death, what about you?

My name is what belongs to me and my death and life are up to my living desires.

I am here.

And I am enough.

 

 

 

Mafalda Nunes
16
Portugal
Germ Magazine guest author
… is a contributing guest author for Germ, which means the following criteria (and then some) have been met: possessor of a fresh, original voice; creator of fresh, original content; genius storyteller; superlative speller; fantastic dancer; expert joke teller; handy with a toolbox; brilliant at parties; loves us as much as we love them.

NO COMMENTS

Leave a Reply