One of the hardest things to go through is not being in love with someone you should completely love. It’s so hard because it’s not something that happens in an instant. You don’t wake up one morning and feel nothing. You go day by day thinking the feeling will come back and stay. But it doesn’t. I say “should love” because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He treats me as I’ve always wanted to be; he should make me happy. For some reason, it doesn’t.
I’m not trying to say I don’t love him at all anymore. He’s my best friend, and I ache at the feeling of someone knowing him the way I do.
I still want to do so many things with him by my side. Does this mean I should stay? I ask myself this thousands of times throughout the day. A quick list:
1.Watch him graduate high school.
2.Go on multiple road trips with him.
3.Spend another Valentine’s Day with him.
While there are plenty of experiences I want to have with him, there are some I want to have that can never include him. A quick list:
1.Get my nose pierced without judgment from his parents.
2.Go to school in New York.
3.Be completely and totally independent (a thing I have never been before).
The saying you don’t know what you have until it’s gone is the biggest reason I cannot make a decision on the matter. If I choose to leave, I can never have him back; he has made that clear. I understand where he is coming from, though. Nothing would be the same between us. If I stay and end up marrying him, would I regret not living my life to the fullest? I feel so selfish even typing this. He is perfect, and I want to push him away. Most of all, I wish this decision wasn’t completely on me. I don’t want to break either of our hearts. I know I should leave. I am second-thinking our whole relationship, so there is very obviously a reason why I should let him go. I am so scared to make it real. I am scared to lose someone who loves me enough to leave for my happiness.