5:13 A.M.

SPELUNK. What… what is going on? SPELUNK SPELUNK. WOW. THIS IS SUCH A LOVELY CAVE. Misty, what, no, that’s not a cave; that would be my blanket – wait – wAIT – WHAT ARE YOU.. HUMAN! HUMAN! COME SEE THIS LOVELY CAVE I FOUND! JUST LET ME MOVE THIS ROCK – MISTY, that is NOT A ROCK. THAT IS MY BACK! JUST LET ME PUSH IT A LITTLE HARDER. I KNOW I CAN MOVE IT.  MISTY, it is FIVE O’CLOCK in the MORNING, and this is simply UNACCEPTABLE. SPELUNKING WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR LATER. Oh…. Fine. I see how it is. Wait, no nO NOT MY BELLY! Hehe. That’s what you get for not trimming my claws.

 

6:02 A.M.

…….. Huuuuuman. ….Grmbl?…. What? Human. Misty?…. Where are you? Huuuman. I have your haaair.

 

8:45 A.M.

What? Human. Look at me. Now look at my food bowl. Experience the tragedy there. Misty, you ate, like, five minutes ago. I’m not giving you more food. I need the food. I’m skin and bones. You are already the chubby one in this family… Don’t look at me like that, all saucer-eyes. Don’t look at me like I’m starving you. Foooood. It is a thing that I need. Desperately. …. Fine. But just this once.

 

11:50 A.M.

You know, I haven’t seen Misty in a while. I wonder where she is. Miiiist! ….. Human? Hi, sweetie! What are you doing up here? Napping. Obviously. Now go away. You’re so cute! All curled up against my pillow! What is this “my pillow” business? It’s my pillow, human. You just rent it. What. No. What are you doing? That is my BELLY, HUMAN. THAT IS NOT FOR YOU TO TOUCH. Hey! Don’t bite! I am the Queen of Darkness, and I shall bite who I want to bite.

 

2:24 P.M.

God, what… What a lovely lap. Prime for napping. Misty, I’m in the middle of working. You couldn’t have done this earlier when I was sitting on the couch? Hell, no. This is much more rewarding. Misty. MISTY. That’s my pencil! Quit chewing on it! Glad to see I have your attention. Now. Give me rubs and Greenies, and I won’t urinate or drool on that piece of paper you’re so attached to at the moment. What is it with you and food?

 

4:30 P.M.

HUMAN. HUMAN. I CAUGHT THE DRAGON. HUMAN. HUMAN. LOOK! LOOK AT WHAT I CAUGHT! AREN’T I AMAZING? I DESERVE ALL THE GREENIES FOR RIDDING THE HOUSE OF THIS HORRIFIC BEAST! That’s a good girl! You caught the puff ball! IT’S NOT A PUFF BALL. IT’S A FIERY DRAGON! Yeah, good girl! Good girl! I AM NOT A “GOOD GIRL,” I AM A FEARSOME WARRIOR WHO DESERVES GREENIES AND ENDLESS ATTENTION!

 

7:43 P.M.

Oh, my – how are you still hungry?!? A warrior is always looking for sustenance. This is insane. At this rate, you’ll be seventeen pounds by the end of the week. I do enjoy tuna.

 

10:56 P.M.

Huuuuman? Human? Where’s my human? I haven’t seen her in – oh, there you are, human! I was wondering when we would – hey! Human? Why is the clear wet coming from your eyes? What is the matter? Did the dragon come back? Oh… hi, Misty. I’m just… I’m a little upset right now. You know how it is. But human should never be upset. I dislike it when human is sad. Here, have a spelunk. Oh, um… thanks, sweetie. Come now. Let’s make the wet go away. Hey, hey, Misty – what are you doing? Blankets are essential. Come, let’s spelunk. You… you want to go under the blanket? Okay…? There. Isn’t this better? Oh. What. What are you doing? Oh. You’re giving me some belly rubs. You know, I. I quite like it. I quite like you, too. And isn’t this better than having the wet in your eyes? Thanks, Misty. You always know what to do. Precisely. And that is why I’m the Queen of Darkness.