Part I
I am not glass

I did not shatter
My cage is what broke
My skin is titanium I did not bleed
I am indestructible
Unbreakable

I am Deus Ex Machina
the God from the machine
I am here to bring heaven
I am here to witness you scream

Part II
I am bone

Maybe I am not as holy
As I’ve always believed
Maybe swallowing bible pages
Wasn’t enough to exorcise me

I can sail away with my rosary wearing
their beads as my eyes and teeth
(See no evil)(speak no evil)(…)
and sing Hail Marys to the sky as if it is my native tongue
that isn’t enough to be forgiven

‘You weren’t as strong as you needed.
You weren’t as fragile as you wanted.’
Why would I WANT to be fragile?
Snarled between blood stained lips
I am the demon that they always wanted me to be

‘If you’d been fragile
this would’ve been over a long time ago.
You never would’ve survived.
You cannot punish yourself for strength
you did not have.
You were strong enough
You were Enough.
and that’s all that matters’

Part III
I can heal.

Time to throw the confetti and order the cake
After all this mess you’ve survived again!
Except survival feels like a failure now
Waking up feels like a slap in the face
every breath feels like swallowing knives
“I WANTED TO DIE!”
Again you’ve been through the process of Form 1 to Form 3

Wake-up-honey-it’s-time-for-meds-Checks
Okay-sweetie-how-are-you-feeling?-Checks
Do-you-want-to-hurt-yourself?-Checks

Sticky lipstick mouths melting–
Their mouths are melting and somehow I’m the crazy one.
Again I’ve made it through forced psychiatric hospitalization
again I’ve survived having my body ripped apart

My head ripped open–
put back together with all of my
pieces missing or lost or just plain not
where I f***ing left them
Again I’ve been given the choice
Destruction or salvation
Maybe I won’t believe it in the morning
but for now, I know,
if I can stop reopening old wounds
I can heal.

 

 

 

Ophelia Monroe is an 18-year-old from the isolated forest of northern Ontario. She likes to write in abandoned buildings and large untouched fields. Find her at ophelia-ghost.tumblr.com.