Stars Can’t Shine Without Darkness by Dylan Devine

i have been a sufferer of depression since 2009, i used to be bullied for many different reasons, for the way i dressed, for the music i listened to, for my dreams of becoming a singer/actor, i just wanted to be known and to be liked, people used to bully me so much i used to come home, unscrew sharpener blades and use them to self harm myself, it got to me so much, i thought, you know what? fuck this, im done, theres no way i can ever continue this because enough is enough. this happened for 6 years. even to this day, I’m as insecure as anyone else.

everyone i know gets invited to cool parties, im always the one being left out because i don’t drink and i don’t smoke and im known as the weirdo of my class in college, because i like to read, because i like to write stories and songs and poems, because i want to be something in my life, but mainly, because of my depression, i’d bring everybody in that party to a depressed mode and it makes me even want to single myself away from everyone else and just stay locked in my room so i cant make other people sad.

every girl i have had the pleasure of meeting and the pleasure of knowing, has left me with a broken heart and a lost soul, every time i try to recover, my heart gets broken 12 times worse than it was the first time. i don’t personally think anybody can ever love me, not the way i want them to, i push people away, i make stupid mistakes and that sucks so bad, i just hope that maybe one day, someone will walk into my life and make me change my thoughts on love. cause for the whole 18 years of my life, i have never felt ‘ L O V E ‘

as for my family, i love them to death, but my dad left when i was only 5, the fact i grew up without a dad was the worst possible thing i have ever went through in my life, i don’t know who he was, i don’t know where he went, the last time i heard from him was the day he told me he had to go and he didn’t know if he was coming back, but that could’ve been the alcohol talking, its all i ever smelt from him.

i go to college every week, i only go because im made to go, otherwise i would be in my room every day with no reason to leave the house, i only have 3 friends, says a lot doesn’t it, the depressed 18 year old boy actually has friends. well, most of my class pretend to be ‘friends’ but they never are. personally i would rather be shacked up with a bunch of people who are just like me and we can talk to each other about our problems, i get nervous meeting new people thanks to my past and it makes me feel so bad that i cant just walk up to someone and be like ‘hi my names dylan nice to meet you’ im so shy and so insecure i cant even look people in the eye sometimes.

at one stage of my life, i thought suicide was the only answer to all my problems, i have tried to drown myself, hang myself, and take a shit load of pills. the reason i done that was because i was sick of this black and white world where people have to be a certain weight to be noticed, or to look a particular way to be cool, or to be somebody, or to be loved. no girl ever looks at me because i have my scars, i don’t have any six packs, i don’t have huge muscles, im not everyones type. i guess thats life and i cant change the way i am, i never can, its me, i cant do anything to change the way God created me.

depression has made me extremely different to most people, the only thing is, depression has also taught me its ok to be yourself, as long as you believe in yourself, although i have so many insecurities, i wish i could just walk out into the street and wear what i want without feeling like someones just gonna point and call me ‘gay’, or that people would invite me to cool parties and i can be finally be noticed as a somebody instead of a depressed teenager who just sits in and watched tv show box-sets and listens to punk-rock / indie bands and reads books.

i just wanted to share this to show people that they’re not alone, theres other people out there like you and me, we’re all depressed teenagers in a world where nobody understands our mental health issues. we’re not different. we’re not emo. we’re not any less of a human than anyone else. we’re just lost souls travelling the earth trying to find out where we belong. isn’t that enough. we don’t have to be perfect. fuck. nobody is. theres a whole big universe out there waiting to be explored, waiting to be seen, how can we leave such a beautiful world, even if it does suck ass sometimes. even if we do feel extremely low, we need to go on a huge adventure, we need to witness what life really is, instead of focusing on death. no matter how difficult that is, without the darkness, the stars can’t shine as bright as they do.

 

 

 

 

Dylan DevineDylan Devine is an 18-year-old who likes to skateboard and write songs, poems, and short stories. He comes from a small town in Northern Ireland. He suffers from depression, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You can fight your demons; don’t be afraid to. Don’t let them win.

Germ Magazine guest author
… is a contributing guest author for Germ, which means the following criteria (and then some) have been met: possessor of a fresh, original voice; creator of fresh, original content; genius storyteller; superlative speller; fantastic dancer; expert joke teller; handy with a toolbox; brilliant at parties; loves us as much as we love them.

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