As Rachel shows in the above video, Nat Bates (mayoral candidate for Richmond, California) was basically bought by Chevron in an attempt to control how Richmond handles a certain Chevron-owned oil refinery. California is one of the states where political ads have to say who’s paying for them, so the billboards with Nat’s face on them tell you right there in the fine print: “Major funding by Chevron.”

You might be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal? Who cares if a candidate is *majorly* funded by Chevron or any of the other supermajors?”  History, after all, has proven time and time again that Big Oil’s only got our best interests at heart.  Entire ecosystems have been covered in glistening black goo just for us.

Well, here’s a little truth that you—and probably even Rachel Maddow—might not know about: Chevron gives the most money to candidates who spread Ebola.

***THIS JUST IN: The condition Chevron wants you to have is not actually Ebola. It may be worse than Ebola, though, so that’s not great.  Yes, Chevron wants you to contract a “disease” that’s potentially more horrible than one of the most awful, most frightening diseases in the history of the world.  And once you have this condition that’s not Ebola, Chevron wants you to pass it on to your children and friends, and probably even your dog (your favorite dog).

Afraid yet? You should be.  Fear of diseases is completely understandable.  And Not-Ebola is maybe the worst of the diseases that’s not Ebola.

Now, to get a few more facts out of the way… Everybody knows that oil is an infinite resource.  That stuff is never gonna run out.  So what’s the point of getting behind a candidate who’s in favor of solar when the sun is just going to burn us up in billions of years anyway?  Seems like kind of a bad bet, right?  That is exactly the sort of thing that companies like Chevron want you to think.  And this kind of “thinking” is one of the initial symptoms of Not-Ebola.  Thankfully, though, Not-Ebola can be treated.

If the ad for the candidate you’re considering says—in its finest print—something along the lines of “This giant head on this billboard is rolling in cash because of Chevron,” then maybe don’t vote for that giant head (because maybe that giant head is like a big puppet head that’s gonna say and do whatever the oil wants it to say and do…).

Continuing to respond to fine print in such a manner will one day, hopefully, lead to a cure for your Not-Ebola. But if you don’t read or even see the fine print on a billboard or, say, in the words that a politician throws at you—or if you just don’t care that a company that clearly doesn’t care about you is trying to control entire cities and countries and worlds—then you may soon find yourself less and less able to open your eyes at all.

Not that you’d be able to see all that much through the black smoke of an oil fire, or the dark mirror of a puddle bubbling at your feet…

Not-Ebola isn’t a recognized illness. It’s a term I made up to help describe how evil Chevron is.  Chevron, I am “not” being forced to say, is actually a wonderful company that loves you…and your dog(s).