Don’t worry, Germies. Today will not be a long lecture on the character Hamlet and his descent into madness—even though my mind has been heavily occupied on my three hour Hamlet lecture that took place this morning (Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer yada yada yada).
Instead, I want to talk about this concept of “being” and about how “being someone” can at times be contingent on the “being” of another, specifically the people you choose to surround yourself with. Now, there are plenty of people you are obligated to surround yourself with, such as family, teachers, professors, the lady taking your order at Taco Bell, and the principal when you’ve been called to the office for violating Dress Code (never mind, that was just me. The private high school struggle was real). More often than not, though, you don’t spend your time with the group of people you are obligated to surround yourself with, but you spend your time with the people that you choose to surround yourself with instead.
We call these people friends (or if you’re me and have a Queen Complex, you call them your subjects…just kidding. Or am I?). But really, these people—your peers, friends, and loved ones—are your go-to people. These are the people who give you advice on what to wear and how you should go about asking that cute boy or girl to prom, and they’re the people who tell you what you missed in class when you were off ditching (I see you). They are also there for your more important moments, like when there has been a death in the family, when your heart has been broken, or when you are going through a rough time at home and simply need a hug, a big tub of ice cream, and a Legally Blonde movie night.
What I’m getting at here is that your friends are extremely important. They play one of the biggest roles in your life, and even though you may not know it, you play an important role in their lives as well. Often times, though, we have this idea in our heads around middle school and high school age that we, as individuals, cannot obtain the status of “friend” unless we are someone specific. And more often than not, this someone specific is someone that we are not. This is getting back to my original Hamlet question that I will expand on in more detail. When I use the opening lines of Hamlet’s soliloquy, I’m not necessarily asking the same question Hamlet does; rather, I’m asking many of you—and the high school freshman Me—why it is we choose to be someone we aren’t for the sake of fitting into a mold that we know we won’t be comfortable in.
I remember the days of trying to hang out with the popular kids back in 8th grade, and I have to tell you: It was the most awkward situation I could have ever put myself in. While they were talking about what was important to them, I sat there in silence at the lunch table, just wishing I was sitting somewhere where I could read a book and enjoy my homemade food that my mom had packed for me. Instead of doing what I wanted with people who would accept me for what I enjoyed, I chose to sit with people who thought it was weird for me to like reading and thought it was outrageous to have rice and chicken for lunch as opposed to the cafeteria’s amazing burgers and curly fries (no joke, Burger Friday’s were amazing. I simply didn’t have the money to always buy food).
In a nutshell, I was odd man out. And the worst part of it was that I chose to be odd man out since I chose “friends” who judged me rather than loved me. This judgment led to many dilemmas that ended up isolating me for the first half of my freshman year of high school because I felt so lost and under-appreciated. I had told myself that this state that I had put myself in would get me the most friends and signatures in my yearbook, and perhaps even a boyfriend (oh my goodness, just typing that sentence gave me a huge whiff of second-hand embarrassment). In the end, I wasn’t looking out for myself in a healthy way; I chose to put frivolous wants in front of primary needs. What I needed was people that loved me for who I was. I needed people who had the capacity to care for my true self so that I could have the ability to care for their true selves. I needed friends who embraced the fact that I loved to read and nerd out to history homework assignments given out that day. In short, I needed real friends.
Now, I know this “I, I, I” talk sounds very selfish, but when it comes to surrounding yourself with people you love, there is a point where you have to be selfish — in a good way, of course. When you choose to be selfish by surrounding yourself with people who love you for you, you are no longer afraid to be someone you’re not, and you quickly start to embrace the person you truly are, which is probably one the most freeing and liberating things you can do for yourself. So, here’s the deal: When I found my group of friends who did in fact love me for who I was, I did the healthiest growing I could ever do in high school — a time when people feel pressured into doing things they don’t want to do, but it is actually the time when it is most necessary to battle that struggle by being who you are.
This, then, ties in to the people you choose to surround yourself with, since those who love you (rather than place a standard on you) will help you battle uncomfortable situations that are forced upon you by others. They are the ones who help because they love you enough to take care of you and make sure you are protected. They are the ones who celebrate your “being,” rather than asking you to start being someone else. And, most importantly, they will not impose on you the dichotomy of “to be or not to be.” They will not force you to choose to be someone you are not for the sake of not being who you are. This is why the statement “To be or not to be” is irrelevant when it comes to picking the people you choose to surround yourself with. In the end, real friends don’t ask you to live by a standard of being that isn’t you. They ask for your flaws, likes, dislikes, loves, hates, passions, and apathies without any judgment.
This is something to cherish and to hold on to. I, thankfully, still hold on to a handful of people who allowed me to do this growing
as a teenager, and I have now surrounded myself with people with the same values and cares as I get older. Finding these people who will allow you to be yourself is, at times, a very hard task. But, when you do find these people (and eventually you will, trust me, they are out there), you begin to live the life you were always meant to live in the healthiest way possible. I mean this wholeheartedly. If you are stuck in “friendships” that don’t allow you to be yourself, what is this doing for you? Is it allowing you to go after what you want, or is it deterring you from what you want? I bet 100% of the time, the answer to this question will be the latter.
So “to be or not to be?” Is this the question your friends are asking you? Are your friends pressuring you to question who you are in order to place on you something that you aren’t and don’t want to be? If this is the case, then you need to start asking yourself if these people have your best interests in mind. I ask you to be brave in knowing that being who you are is not something that should be squandered or hidden; not only do you lose out, but those potential real friendships lose out on having you as a valuable individual.
So, remember: Learn to love yourself enough to be who you are so that you can find those people who view you in the same light. I promise, these are the people you should choose to spend your time with. They have so much to give and so much to teach, and their company is the best company you can ever have. These friends are stellar people who won’t take you for granted, and, in turn, your value will not be crushed by them. They love you too much to do that to you. Learn to understand that you are a valuable individual who deserves to be valued. If this means turning away from bad relationships, then be brave enough to realize that walking away means getting closer to the people who understand you better than any others could. Choose “to be” in their presence rather than “not to be” in the presence of those who refuse to love you for you.
I promise, you won’t regret this decision.