To My Dear Friends Who I Have Pushed Away

I’m in a really strange place right now. My thoughts are not my own. I don’t know my rights or wrongs. I feel invisible and out of place.

You say I’m fine, that you don’t hate me, but that’s not what I feel. Deep down I know you all love me for who I am but not for what I’m becoming; I don’t even like what I’m becoming. I have lost the things I held so valuable in such little time. I’ve lost myself, but I promise — I promise I’m trying to catch my soul and rediscover who I am. Not long ago I thought I knew who I was and that I had been through the worst. I thought I had hit rock bottom. I guess rock bottom has a basement.

The hardest part is pulling yourself out of the pit. I know you will help me if I ask, but the truth is I’m so desperately hoping that someone will pull me into line and tell me I’m in the wrong. I know I’m in the wrong. I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster. I’m spiraling out of control, and everyone is just watching, waiting for me to crash. But what is there to crash into when there’s nothing left? What am I supposed to do when I feel NOTHING? What am I supposed to do when I have pushed you all away?

Please come back.

Forever and always,
Shae

 

 

 

Shae Bell is an average 16-year-old girl living on the north coast of Australia. Her love for animals and people cannot go unnoticed, for she shows kindness and honesty with every touch. Shae is still learning to love herself and become one with who she is. The battles she has faced do not define her; her scars reflect bravery and wisdom. Each morning she wakes up ready to conquer; she wears her smile like a loaded gun. Shae lives for creativity and hopes to start her own charity helping animals and mentally ill children. She aspires to change lives. She wants to change the world.

Germ Magazine guest author
… is a contributing guest author for Germ, which means the following criteria (and then some) have been met: possessor of a fresh, original voice; creator of fresh, original content; genius storyteller; superlative speller; fantastic dancer; expert joke teller; handy with a toolbox; brilliant at parties; loves us as much as we love them.

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