To the one that broke my heart,
It’s been two days, and I wonder if you’re okay. I wonder if you’re in as much pain as I am. I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.
These past two days have been like a roller coaster for me. One minute I’ll be crying, and the next I’ll be completely okay. The reality is, everything just sucks.
I want to hate you. I want to punch you and yell at you for causing me so much pain. I want you to see me cry on the spot so you can see my pain. I want to cuss you out and scream.
But I can’t.
Because in my heart, I know that your decision was the best one.
Our relationship became one that grew with tension rather than with love. Throughout the past few months, our relationship slowly fell apart. I would always get mad at you for spending time with your friends instead of me. I would ignore you or give you short answers. Sometimes you’d ask if I was okay, but most of the time you continued to act as if everything was okay. When I finally told you why I was mad, you would apologize and take the blame. As months passed, I continued to get mad and you continued to constantly apologize. Everything just went downhill.
I can still remember the night you broke up with me. You called me and told me sorry. You told me you couldn’t do this anymore. How you realized our relationship wasn’t working out and how we were too different. You told me that you’ve been trying. Trying to give me what I wanted and trying to make us work. You admitted that you prioritized your friends over me which you realized was unfair to me. I remember asking you for one more shot at fixing our relationship. But you refused. You told me it would only be temporary and it would only hurt me more in the end. And then I asked you if you still liked me. And I remember the pain I felt when you said you liked me as a friend. You told me you still wanted to be friends. Really good friends in fact. A few minutes passed, and with no words left to say, I hung up with a broken heart.
And of course, I cried.
I cried because of the pain. I cried because you meant so much to me. I cried because I liked you so much. I cried because I was willing to do everything for you but it felt as if you were done. I cried because it felt as if I lost an amazing person in my life. I cried because I felt as if you gave up on us. I cried because it felt as if you lost your feelings long ago. I cried because I believed we would get through this but we didn’t. I cried because you were many of my firsts. But most of all, I cried because in my heart I knew you were right.
Our relationship wasn’t working out. It caused both of us pain and unhappiness.
Everything sucks right now. I miss you. I miss talking to you everyday and telling you about my day. I miss our facetime calls and saying “I love you.” I miss hugging you and you kissing me on the cheek. I miss laughing at your stupidity and rolling my eyes at you. I just miss you and everything we had.
But, I do want you to know that this wasn’t just your fault. During these past two days when I was able to think straight, I realized I had fault in this as well. I pushed you to prioritize me over your friends. And that was something you couldn’t do, and I respect that now. So, I want to say that I’m sorry to you as well. I’m sorry for all those times we fought and for being petty and unreasonable. I’m sorry for not being understanding and for getting mad at the stupidest things. I’m sorry for all those times that you were unhappy.
I want to tell you how I’m feeling and ask you questions, but I know that we both need time to heal.
So, when the time comes, this is what I have to say to you.
I get it. I understand why you did it, because looking at the bigger picture, breaking up was the best. It hurts, but I know you did it because it was the best option; you had to ensure that one day we would both be happy for ourselves and for each other.
The door for us to be friends will be open. I want us to be able to be just as close as we were before we dated. I want us to be able to talk to each other. To be there for each other through thick and thin and to be able to care for each other as well. I want to be able to tell you when I’m having a bad day or about my boy problems when the time comes and I’m able to date someone else. I want you to be able to feel as if you can still talk to me, whether it be about school, life, or even future girl problems. I want us to be able to get to the point where we can joke about our relationship and use our relationship as a way to learn from the past. And honestly, typing this, I realized I wanted my best friend back. Not my ex-boyfriend, but my best friend from freshman year.
Maybe this will happen, maybe it won’t. But when we’ve both healed, I just want you to know that this option is available.
So, to end this, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for an amazing first relationship that lasted for almost two years. Thank you for the memories and for the butterflies that I felt. Thank you for trying, even if it didn’t work out. Just, thank you for everything, and know that I don’t regret a thing.
And so, here’s to a happier us as individuals and, hopefully, as friends.
With all my love,
Christina Pan is a 17-year-old girl living in sunny SoCal. Though she hates writing school essays, she loves writing about her thoughts and experiences . She hopes that she is able to create a connection with others through her works and to remind them that they are not alone in the world.