(Un)controllable

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Love.

Something everyone wants. Something everyone craves. People tend to associate love with people or objects, but love is felt, not seen.

I have always believed that being in love with someone means that you would do anything for that person, but maybe I have been wrong this whole time. Maybe you can love someone without having this emotion completely engulf you. A lot of people say that they fell in love fast. It just happened, and they couldn’t stop it. That’s another thing; maybe you can fall slowly. Maybe you can stop yourself from loving someone. Maybe you can control if or when you hit the ground. I think I might be falling for this guy, but I’ve felt this before. Maybe it’s love; maybe it’s lust. In the past when I’ve felt this way, I have always run. I leave before it gets too deep and too emotional. I always leave right before I am capable of loving someone.

A while back I thought I loved this guy. I say “thought” because I am not sure if I loved him. He is definitely the guy I have liked the most in my whole fifteen years of life. I see couples all the time that are my age that say they are in love with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Whenever I see this I just wonder if they even know what love is; they are so young. That is why I doubt whether or not I “loved” this guy. I guess I will know one day, way down the road. If/when I find someone to truly love, then, and only then, will I ever really know if I loved this guy. If everyone has someone that is “the one that got away,” then mine is this guy — so far at least. It really is all my fault that I lost him. We weren’t even dating at the time, but I liked him in a way I never liked anyone ever before; but, then I got scared. I knew he felt the same way about me. I can not explain how much this scared me.

Long story short, I friend-zoned him. I blamed the friend-zoning on the fact that I didn’t want a boyfriend. Although that’s true, it’s also not. I was just scared. Scared of love. Scared of commitment. Boys have told me before that they like me — and some have even said that other terrifying four letter word that starts with “L” — but just because they say something to me doesn’t make me believe it, especially when it comes to love. In the past I have asked boys why they liked me. It usually had something to do with me being “beautiful and kind,” but there is more to love than just finding someone attractive and nice. You have to love someone for who they really are. This includes all the good and all the bad things combined because, in the end, no person is pure good or pure evil. If I’m wrong about this one, then I am greatly disappointed.

The most important reason that I haven’t thought any boy truly likes or even loves me is that I never believe them. I don’t let myself believe them. It’s hard to explain, but I have this feeling inside that I shouldn’t ever believe them. Maybe this is why I always run. I never stick around long enough to figure out if people actually mean what they say.

 

 

 

B.F.W. has a passion for writing because it lifts a weight off her shoulders and allows her to clear her head in the most creative way possible.

Germ Magazine guest author
… is a contributing guest author for Germ, which means the following criteria (and then some) have been met: possessor of a fresh, original voice; creator of fresh, original content; genius storyteller; superlative speller; fantastic dancer; expert joke teller; handy with a toolbox; brilliant at parties; loves us as much as we love them.

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