What I would really like to know is if you’re still in love with the boy you met back in February when the nights were cold and so was your heart. Does he still make your heart flutter and your brain question everything it has been taught about love and how wrong it is to give it to yourself? I hope you have learnt what self-love is. I hope the sleepless nights and the panic attacks when doubting if you would ever be enough have evaporated. Even if they haven’t, that’s ok too. It takes time. You’ll get there. We WILL get there!
So, speaking of love… how is your heart? Has he broken it, or are you still going strong? Or did you decide it never really was his to break in the first place? Your heart is really yours and yours only. You may share it occasionally, but it always comes back to you. Which is why it’s scary sometimes because it is you that has the most potential to destroy it. It is also you who has the power to heal it. Remember that. Remember that even though it may seem like other people are your saviors, it is really you that is your own hero.
Friends– I hope you’ve made some new ones because you’ve had your fair share of knives in your back from those who have claimed to be a friend. Don’t ever stop seeing the good in people, though. Please don’t let all that has happened to you turn you sour and bitter like love once did. You’re better than those who hurt you, and you shouldn’t punish yourself for their inability to show you how much you deserve. I worry that future me, you, is going to be filled with regret and hatred for the world and all it has done her wrong. There is so much beauty around, and letting the hate seep in will only start to mask that. Don’t lose your love of the world. The planets, the stars, the moon. Oh, how I love the moon. Do you still admire it every chance you get? I’m looking at it right now, and I hope future me is too. You deserve to see the beauty. I’m telling you this right now before my mind begins to convince me I’m worthless again. I’m not worthless, though. I am as worthy as the moon and the stars, and I deserve to be loved and admired the same way I admire what is around me when I look up into the night sky.
I am worthy of love.
Wake up every morning with the knowledge that younger you is rooting for you. You can do this!
Life is hard, and sometimes giving up really does seem like the only plausible answer. It feels like an escape, I know. However, leaving this world behind is going to cause more pain than you could ever imagine. And you’d be missing all the amazing things you love! Like new Ed Sheeran songs and your dog getting excited to see you when you walk through the door after a day’s work. You’ll miss the simplicity of things, such as snuggling up with a blanket and a hot chocolate with the one you love. Keep fighting those demons. And if depression and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads, you hold your own high and tell them you’re filled with flaws and have battles that you have yet to win, but you are still here. That in itself is amazing.
You’re going to be ok. Repeat that to yourself. I love you.
Me — Age 20.
(p.s. Never stop loving, never stop reading, and never lose your love of writing. Whether you think you’re good at it or not, don’t stop.)