How many times a day do I have to see your butt crack
when you jam your bags in my overhead bins?
Why so much cleavage at 9 am? Lordy mercy!
So many pet peeves, so little time.
People used to dress up to fly—not anymore.
Cream-colored ladies’ suits from Bloomingdales, hats, gloves.
Women wore slips back then. You could taste the class!
Oh, holiday travel is the worst. Six weeks
of kids peeing on my seats, spitting up Cheerios.
My plumbing needs a good shakedown
and what’s that irritating squeak coming from my brakes?
My wings need patching!
Where’s my cleaning crew? Budget cuts.
Why wasn’t I asked to host You’re Wearing THAT?
I remember Jackie before Jack was an airport folks try to avoid.
You can be totally “come hither” with a high necked sheath
and long necklace. Or wear a cute belt and high heels.
Keep the hemline at the knee or slightly above and wear
any color but black. However, if you do wear black, wear
a bright-colored belt to look less funereal.
The biggest pet peeve of mine is if it’s too tight,
go up a size or get you some Spanx.
If your clothing’s too loose, get you to a good tailor shop.
For the guys, don’t get me started on pleated Dockers,
white socks with dark shoes or socks with sandals.
Shoes should be shined, or at least cleaned up.
And socks can’t have heel holes—I can’t imagine the state
of your Tighty Whities.
Ouch, another controlled crash at LaGuardia,
please… I need a fog delay—some rest!
I need time for all of the fashion mags left on the seats.
I’m not an heir to fashion, but an heir to sense.
My mother inspired modesty in me, among other things—
But I won’t get into that because that’s a whole ‘nother workshop.
Alice Osborn was born in Washington, D.C., the winter after Watergate to a Masterpiece Theater-obsessed mother and Archie Bunker-obsessed father. Her past educational and work experience is unusually varied, and it now feeds her work as a poet as well as an editor-for-hire and writing coach. After the Steaming Stops is her most recent collection of poetry; previous collections are Right Lane Ends and Unfinished Projects. She’s currently at work on her upcoming collection, Heroes without Capes. Alice is also the editor of the short fiction anthology Tattoos. A Pushcart Prize nominee, she has taught classes and writing workshops to hundreds of aspiring authors of nearly all ages from 9 to 90. A former high school English teacher, Alice works with the United Arts Council in the Raleigh area to bring writing to grades 4-12 in local schools. She is a District Coordinator for Poetry Out Loud, is the poetry workshop leader at the Nazim Hikmet Poetry Festival for four years running, and serves on the NC Writers’ Network Board of Trustees. Her work has appeared in Raleigh’s News and Observer, The Pedestal Magazine, Soundings Review, and in numerous journals and anthologies. Alice lives in Raleigh with her husband, two children, and three birds: Ray, Perry and Ariel. Visit Alice’s website here.
