he says i am beautiful by Spencer Wollan

profile hazy silhouette night
Photo courtesy of Cassoday Harder

he says i am beautiful
like it is a reward:
tissue paper, egg shell.

you’re beautiful, he says.
do not worry. do not
say no.

he drools over my soft body,
rearing like a horse let loose.
he is nip, bite. he is sweating,

he is trying
to make love
out of violence.

my cheeks are earthquakes. they are
hazardous and demanding. they are
trying their best not to kill themselves:

stay still, he says
i could kill you.

this
is my reward.

the defensive thing inside of me
growls through its teeth.
defend your land, it says.

but he is licking
my skin with
a murderous intention.

dust is now swimming in the golden light of early morning.
the sun comes through the muted windows, begging to be set free
and i cannot remember the goddess of the sun from the books
my mother read to me in Greek so long ago
but i pray to her anyway.

i am still alive, i say to myself.
and on a good day this is truth.
on a good day, my eyes, for moments, forget

what they have seen:
dirty mattress, abandoned person, neck
slit ear to ear.

but on the days i hear them singing songs of rape,
on the days they say, but she was so drunk,
on the days they say, but so many women lie

those are the days
i wish every man on earth
was a dream.

 

 

 

 

Spencer WollanSpencer Wollan is 16 years old and lives in San Diego, California. They travel the world completing semester-long programs as an alternative to mainstream education. Spencer enjoys strawberry ice cream, Frank O’Hara, permaculture, and trying to understand the universe.

 

 

Cassoday Harder is a twenty-year-old photographer inspired by youth, femininity, and summer. View more of her work on Flickr or visit her website.

Germ Magazine guest author
… is a contributing guest author for Germ, which means the following criteria (and then some) have been met: possessor of a fresh, original voice; creator of fresh, original content; genius storyteller; superlative speller; fantastic dancer; expert joke teller; handy with a toolbox; brilliant at parties; loves us as much as we love them.

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