My phone rings. I was kind of expecting it or rather wishing it. It’s him again. He wanted me to meet his girlfriend. I got up. Got ready. I know we will never be a thing but still every time I can feel those butterflies. I get inside his car. They look too happy together. And it hurts somewhere. Not jealousy because I am happy that he is happy with her, but a void maybe.
As he hugs her to prevent her from getting cold, suddenly my denim jacket hurts. I guess he reads my face, so he comes up to me and hugs me too. His smile has a certain spark to it. So much love makes me cry.
Damaged people get along well I guess. They find comfort in each other’s empty spaces. They tend to fit perfectly. Suddenly happiness hurts. Funnily I know I don’t want a relationship too soon. I am proudly single. But some empty mornings you do want to feel loved and want someone to feel a little more deeply for you.
As they kiss, I pretend not to see them, but something in it makes me yearn for it too. How hard the goodbyes are; how they don’t want to let go of each other; last hugs; kisses on forehead. Everything seemed perfect. After she went, he hugged me closely and told me how happy he is and how lucky he is to have her. I wanted to say, I know; who else would know. But I just smiled. He lets go of me, and I already start missing it. He asked me if I am getting late? And though I should be at home studying for my paper the next day, I said no. It felt good — here just hanging out with a great friend; listening to him; he looked so happy.
Quickly grabbing some cigarettes, he and I share, and I put them in my pocket to keep them. Then it gets late. Winter’s been taking its toll. We get back in the car, and he drives me to my place. I don’t want it to end. The lyrics get more meaningful; the wind more chilled; his voice more deep; my voice nothing more than a whisper.
I don’t want him; I want his friendship more. And I know I am in the priority list and that’s what matters. Letting go of what you hold near is something that helps getting over stupid emotions. I should leave doors open to let him go and valid reasons for him to stay. I know this is not love. I fall very easily for people; I know that. But that something takes over me when I am with him — perhaps another crush. Maybe loneliness does that to you; not exactly loneliness, but a certain kind of longing.
Maybe someday everyone will find someone who will stay. Everyone and everything has a time. This time is theirs.
On love and longing:
Love is a wonderful thing. Though personally tragedy has always been more attractive, love taught me the beauty of hope and goodness. I believe it’s important to fall for people who don’t fall for you. It kind of makes you emotionally independent, and when love finally arrives, you will know why it didn’t work out with the past ones. Everyone deserves someone who would fully want them because life is too short for anything meaningless.